Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Reflections 101.

It's been a really long while i typed something really personal on this blog. The reason why i started this blog was because i wanted a space to type whatever i want, things i feel like ranting about, a space to record down memories but this blog slowly became a "curated" blog whereby i have to be mindful of the things i write and so called "cater to the masses". After a recent event, i wanted to type out something personal and decided that this is the best place to pen it down since this was the very reason why i started this blog. 

To everyone around me, i'm a happy go lucky person, always happy and seldom sad. I would say it's 90% true. I may seem that way on the surface, but actually i'm human too. I do feel stressed, sadness and everything else that people feel. It's just that i don't share my feelings with people around me. To put it bluntly, i suffer on my own. LOL

Let me share a lesson that i learnt in BMT that i hold dearly to my heart.  I was from the PTP batch (which means i enlisted about 2 months(?) earlier than most people as i'm deemed as not physically fit and i had to enlist earlier prep my physical form before the "physically fit" people enlist so that all of us can be on par when the actual BMT training begins. In actual fact, i didn't even bother to take the NAFA test during my poly days because i was too playful. lol) Anyway, physical training in that 2 months was pretty tough and taxing on the body. I hated all the exercises, especially running. It was quite a torture for me but i often try to do well to make sure that i get to book out every weekend. 

There was one particular book-out day whereby one of my commander gathered all of us at the ground floor before we depart for the harbor to take the speed boat back to mainland. We were facing the sea, and right on the opposite was Singapore island. (BMT is on Tekong Island btw) He asked us, "Look across, what do you see? You are here to train to protect your loved ones on the other side. Right at this moment, they might be waiting to pick you up and spend your precious weekend with you. I know training is tough and some of you are "suffering", but do you really want to complain to them and lament how you are so-called "suffering" and let them worry about you? Or instead would you want to reassure them that you are doing fine? Train hard, do well because eventually it's not only for yourself, it's for them."

His words really made an impact on me. Since then, no matter how bad my day went, i felt that there was no need to tell anyone. I kept things to myself and told myself, things would always get better. This way, the people around me would never have to share my burden. After all, what can they do to help? At the most you get consoled. Will it help? Maybe yes to some, maybe no. I felt that there wasn't a need. But i do admit there are times where i wished there was someone to listen to me (i thank my best friends for that), someone for me to bury my face into their shoulders, someone for me to hug for the longest time. I used to have that someone for the past 4 months but it's all now history...

My close friends often say that despite my happy go lucky character, i'm quite a secretive person because i don't share things with them. They slowly learnt that there is no point asking me because based on how well they know me, they probably would get nothing out from asking and i would only share only if i want to. I'm thankful for that because it's true. Probing won't give you answers. My answer when people ask me why or how i feel is always standard - "Nothing lah. Maybe i will share with you next time". Sometimes i really do share, but often than not, i don't.

I decided to write this post because of something that happened yesterday. An event which probably will stay in my heart for the longest time, if not forever. I really feel like penning everything down but regretfully, this is probably not the best space to do it or until i can figure out how i can narrate the story. I know after you reading the above, some of you might think that it's not healthy or it's not good to keep everything to myself, after all i'm human and i have feelings too. There are people that genuinely care about me and want to share my problems. I know, i know. All i can say is, i'm trying. Someone dear once told me, "Don't keep everything to yourself, got anything must share. This way we can both learn for the better." I will try my best, i promise.

Moving on,